Half a tank of gas

Ok just kidding, I’m back after a 26 year case of writers block. Despite the fact that adventures have actually been going on, I won’t even try to fill you in with some bullshit excuse. Quite frankly, I haven’t felt like writing. Perhaps and hopefully I’ve lost more readers and then we can get back to writing raw articles.  Race reports are cool and I love re-reading past exploits but the more I do the less I want to talk about it.  Instead I’ve started to become fixated with the reason of WHY?

Why the hell am I running for over 12 hours and putting myself through rigorous training cycles to accomplish the things I do? What drives some of us to just go completely beyond what most people are perfectly content with finishing…are we just masochists with deeper internal issues that have been left unresolved for way too long? These are always good questions to ask but lately I’ve been asking myself an even deeper question: If I really am doing all of this to find out who I am….Do I really want this journey to end? As in- what if I finish an Ultramarathon, or hypothetically: climb that mountain and figure “it” out….what then? Is there any purpose left?

It’s a hell of a question to ask yourselves but ponder this for a few minutes today.  So many of us want to figure life out, a sort of soul searching quest that we set on, but do you really want this to end? No way. There’s no reason why anyone should wish for it all to end with that “AH-HA” moment of clarity because guess what, I guarantee none of us would know what to do with this answer. Our minds are too scared to really find out what it is that we are meant to do here and we should be perfectly content with that. We use this as day to day motivation without realizing it and its so much more beneficial to us that it remains a mystery to keep us taking strides forward.

It’s no surprise to anyone that two of my biggest influences in training mentality and psychology are and will always be Henry Rollins and Mark Twight.  I fall into the same school of thought; that pain reminds us all that we are alive and I’m perfectly content with the idea of never figuring out what the hell I’m doing all of this for.  All I embrace, is that I enjoy the hell out of my life too much to waste time sitting here thinking of “is this ok? should I be doing these things?”. Who cares! Well maybe you…but I’m too busy living my life to think about why I shouldn’t be doing the shit I do today.  In recent weeks, my good friend Courtney has been interviewing me about Ultras and mindset of maybe why people do this kind of stuff. I don’t know if I’m really helping her out or confusing her more but it’s been a great 2 interviews so far and the more I open up about the nature of the ultra world, the more reassured I feel about the sense of being lost. The more comfortable I get with this idea, the deeper it drives me to push myself beyond what I think I am capable.

Am I scared? Of course, I think anyone neglecting the natural reaction of being scared is missing a major part of how our body and mind naturally works. The thing is, I’m not scared of the things I’m going to embark on, its much different than that. My only fear in life these days, is that I won’t have enough years in my life to accomplish everything I want to do. The list grows everyday and the drive to do these things gets stronger and stronger but eventually when will it all end? Will it be stopped short? I know I shouldn’t think of worst case scenarios and shouldn’t fixate on the phrase “he just had SO much life ahead of him…” but I don’t want this to be me. If I could find a way to stay young forever I would, at the end of the day we are not invincible and my only hope is that by the time I’m sitting on a rocking chair sipping a drink and reminiscing, that I won’t regret anything or EVER allow myself to say “I wish I could of done ______ back when I was your age”. Can I see myself in that chair? Honestly no, part of me thinks people with this similar mindset don’t just grow old and wither away. It’s a sad and really dark thought but maybe some day I won’t have that luxury of dreaming about telling my grand children of the wild stories of grandpops life.  I’m ok with it.  As long as I live, I will always seek out what my heart is set on, the self-discovery, and the endless pursuit of happiness*.

*what ever that may be

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