Mustached men are obviously superior species

I recently got the urge to shave my mountain man beard and trade it in for a more sophisticated look: the 70’s Handle Bar Mustache.

Some of you may be wondering, “Loic why did you shave that gnarly beard?”, but most are probably thinking: “Thank god that copper bird’s nest/food catcher is gone!”. You see as far as history goes back, men in mustaches have been what my dad calls “winners”. Think Ghenkis Khan, Vikings, Gaulois, and even Julius Caesar was rumored to have grown a battle ‘stache when he conquered my ancestors tribal lands, Gaul. To give you a more recent depiction of modern day powerful mustaches, I have put together what I think is THE elite list of all modern society’s mustached men.

I’ll start with the leader of the world’s elite mustached men club:

Medal of Honor Recipient, Theodore Roosevelt: the undisputed World's Manliest Mustache. Some say they named a cavalry brigade he lead after his mustache: "The Rough Riders"...no idea why

Teddy, honestly, who rides a moose?

Who wins the Nobel Peace Prize and the Medal of Honor? Teddy does.

Onward to the A-team of mankind:

Steve Prefontaine, Fastest Running Mustache On The Planet.

Ghandi, Wisest 'stache and also holds the title of Most non-Provocative Mustache

Wyatt Earp, Highest Official Mustache of the Wild West

Carlos Santana, The "Mostacho Caliente". Men around the world salute you for providing us music that sets the mood for special evenings with the lady.

Tom Selleck, World's Most Investigative Mustache, rumors are he named it "Lady Killa".

Rollie Fingers, Hottest MLB 'stache of World Series Champions Oakland A's in 72', 73', 74'

This is the infamous "I adopt babies from Ethiopia while riding my old school chopper and solving world hunger all-in-a-day" Mustache. Hats off to ya Mr. Pitt, for making it look so easy yet so good.

Last BUT definitely not least, my father Edouard Vicqueneau. You may be wondering why did I post a picture of him SANS mustache ??? He once had the fiercest mustache known to modern day, feared by many men including myself. Striking a strong resemblance to his Viking ancestors, his mustache said “I’m in charge here, do as I say and no one gets hurt…” without raising any doubt that he, in fact, WAS in charge. To make it one year under my father’s “Take No Prisoner” mustached reign was considered almost impossible. The few young line cooks, dishwashers, bus boys and waiters who made it most likely grew a mustache of their own after surviving Edouard’s kitchen (no one could be reached at this time to verify this fact, but I’m not going to question it…neither should you). Word around the culinary underground is that an assembly of the world’s best chefs met at an undisclosed location and voted on the removal of his mustache. It had been deemed that it grew too powerful and would soon become unstoppable, so an end was put to Chef Edouard’s mustache. Do not be fooled, under that bluffing hairless smile is the ghost of a  warrior mustache waiting to make his return…

Saved the best for last my father: Edouard Vicqueneau (I will dig into my archives and find a picture of Edouard and The Mustache)

Now before you write me off as some “Sell-out”, I’m mostly talking about the Über-secret society known as The Order of the Red Beard, here’s an ode to the World’s Manliest Beard. One day I can only hope after all my travels, adventures, perils and what not, that my future beard(version 2.0) looks just as weathered yet sophisticated and suave like this man here; Ernest Hemingway. His beard tells a story of fighting off sharks in tropical waters, running the bloody streets of Milan in 1918 to save wounded civilians, hunting man eating lions in Africa and enjoying a fine cigar and mojito on the beaches of Cuba. Cheers to you Mr. Hemingway! (p.s. thanks for the books)

Ernest Hemingway: The REAL Most Interesting Man In The World

Ernest was a no bullshit kind of man, here he intimidates himself into writing another manly novel for us less adventurous peons.

Hemingway knew the best of both worlds, the Mustache and the Beard. Thus showing us younger men, the proper facial hair progression through a man's life. "Grow a mustache, see the world. Grow a beard, show the world"- he may or may not have said this, who cares.

I leave you with a manly writing (because poems are for the unadventurous artsy types who do not leave the confines of their coffee shop) written for men who dare live life on the edge, risk it all and live to tell us how sweet the taste of success really is: (this is the narration for the Dos Equis’ Most Interesting Man In The World, I don’t want to get sued…modern society)

“He’s a lover, not a fighter; but he’s also a fighter, so don’t get any ideas.”
“He is the life of parties he has never attended.”
“His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.”
“He can speak French… in Russian.”
“He once punched a magician. That’s right. You heard me.”
“If he were to punch you in the face, you would have to fight off the strong urge to thank him.”
“If he patted you on the back, you would put it on your resume.”
“He once taught a dog to bark… in Spanish.”
“Sharks have a week dedicated to him.”
“He lives vicariously… through himself.”
“He once had an awkward moment, just to see what it felt like.”
“When in Rome, they do as he does.”

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2 responses to “Mustached men are obviously superior species

  1. This post speaks to my heart!
    Dos Equis’ Most Interesting Man In The World quotes get me every single time.
    Ernest, you’re the man! I second the Thanks!
    Santana…I melt.
    As for your facial hair…I noticed the trim and while I didn’t quite think, “Thank god that copper bird’s nest/food catcher is gone,” I did think it was a bit more sophisticated while maintaining a strong level of personality. Good decision!
    Thanks for sharing your blog with me.

  2. Now, make no mistake, the man makes the mustache…not the other way around !
    Ton blog eat au poil maintenant !

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